I take questions answered by syndicated “unnamed advice columnists,” reword them to conceal identities and re-answer them with non-PC tough love, the way it should be!Trapped Mom
Trapped Mom Should Kick Depressed Daughter to Curb
Dear Unnamed Advice Columnist:
I am a 65-year-old retiree who lives alone. My 30-year-old unemployed daughter moved back home home a year ago. She pays no rent, never helps me keep up the house, and most days she just sits on the couch all day watching reality TV. On top of that, she keeps her room very messy; it’s like living with her 15-year-old self all over again! When I suggest she clean up after herself or ask about her future plans, she says I’m “being mean” and “harassing” her. She does suffer from anxiety, so I try to avoid confronting her, but I’m afraid she’ll be living here for the rest of my life. — Feeling Trapped
Dear Dumb-ass:
How dare you even consider asking your messy, freeloading adult child to get off the couch and get her life together. She has anxiety after all and everyone knows that absolves the sufferer from all responsibility in life. By taking in, financially supporting and insisting your adult child to be “neat,” you are further victimizing her. Such an abusive parenting style combined with the shameless flaunting of your easy “retirement” lifestyle would send any adult child spiraling. Let me spell it out for you: Her current struggles are ALL YOUR FAULT! If you have any regard for your wounded daughter you will cheerfully continue to pick up behind her and immediately return to the work force so you can afford to support her indefinitely, even if that means taking a “low-level” job (I hear Amazon is a great place to work). This is the LEAST you could do, because you obviously did a terrible job preparing her for the real world!
P.S. If you gleaned heavy sarcasm in my response, maybe it will inspire you to end your maternal martyrdom and send your offending offspring packing. Give her a timeline to move out and hold her to it!
Future Bitch-in-Law Must Get a Life
Dear Unnamed Advice Columnist:
My son is engaged to a lovely girl whom I love and already consider to be family. My problem is that whenever she writes us a card, she signs it “best” or “sincerely.” I am a little hurt that she doesn’t feel close enough to us to sign “love,” which I always do with close friends and family. Is there a tactful way of letting her know I would like to be more than a business associate? — Future Mother-in-Law
Dear Dumb-ass:
The “tactful” way to accomplish this is to muster all your strength to pull your head out of your ass. Your situation is a perfect example of what happens when life is too easy. Some people have real problems: They’re broke, their kids are drug addicts, they have gout. Others despise their daughters-in-law with good reason. But you like yours and she treats your son well, but you’re complaining about how she signs letters? Clearly the most stress you’ve experienced in life was having too few balloons at your 8th birthday party. And your gift of clairvoyance is amazing—since you know the reason she signs her cards with “best” is because she doesn’t feel close to you. You’re right to call out her selfish slight. I’m sure every action this horrid girl takes in life is in direct response to her feelings toward YOU. Your only recourse is to demand that your son immediately dump this uncaring woman and take up with one who only signs her cards with “love.” If he refuses, cut him out of your life forever, because no one should have to compromise their principles, however absurd.
P.S. GET A LIFE! Please.
Nonconfrontational Nelly's Nonfunctioning Nads
Dear Unnamed Advice Columnist:
After graduating college, my best friend and I got an apartment together. Everything has worked out well except on a few occasions I caught him wearing my clothes, and a few times he even wore my boxer shorts! When I asked why he was wearing my underwear, he said he was too busy to do laundry. I don’t like confrontation. How can I get him to stop wearing my clothes without confronting him?—Community Drawers
Dear Dumb-ass:
By no means should you confront your underwear-stealing roomie. Obviously you invited this situation by advertising your freshly laundered undergarments. Who does that? And what’s with all the judgment? Who’s to say it’s “weird” simply because he apparently doesn’t mind resting his balls where another man’s balls have been? Clearly you’re the one with boundary issues. This man has graciously agreed to share expenses and personal living space, and you show your gratitude by complaining about the sporadic borrowing of undies? I suggest you rethink your priorities, and perhaps a visit to a qualified therapist would be in order as your behavior suggests you’re not secure in your manhood. It truly makes me weep for the future, because if two men can’t share a pair of boxers, what can they share?
P.S. Grow a pair! “Man up” and tell your roomie to keep his balls off your boxers!