Fashion Week is the Oscars of the fashion industry–a time when the best and brightest show off their most daring new fare. But judging by the following examples, the best and the brightest are also the blindest. Fashion week is an international event, proving that bad taste is a global phenomenon!
A Wing and a Prayer Read More »
A CEO decides to rid the company of slackers. One day while touring the facilities, he sees a guy leaning on a wall doing nothing. Wanting the room full of workers to know he means business, the CEO says to the guy, “How much do you make in a week?” The guy says, “$300, why?” The CEO hands him $300 and yells, “Here’s a week’s pay, you’re fired!” Feeling good about his first firing, he looks around the room and says, “So what did that goof-off do here anyway?” A worker answers, “Nothing. He was delivering pizza.”
A production worker at an ad agency was fired when they discovered he was the “copy machine flasher.” Every morning he used the copy machine to photocopy his genitals and then left printed copies on all the secretaries’ desks. After firing him, the boss said, “Too bad we had to let him go. He was the only worker here not guilty of false advertising.” His secretary replied, “Not exactly. He was using the enlarger.”
At the funeral of a cardiac specialist, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished the eulogy and everyone paid their respects, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed, prompting one of the mourners to burst into laughter. The guy next to him said, “Why are you laughing?” The man replied, “I was thinking about my own funeral.” The man snapped, “So? What’s so funny about that?” To which the doctor replied, “I’m a gynecologist.”
The following quiz will help you determine your asshole status. Consider it a public service. If you had a booger in your nose, wouldn’t you want to know? Some assholes don’t realize they’re assholes. If you fall into this category, this will be an eye-opener (you’ll thank me later).
Guide: a = 1 point b = 2 points c = 3 points d = 4 points
1. You borrowed money from your cousin months ago. Now, she’s asked to borrow money, but you really want to buy the dope new Air Jordans. You:
2. You make a costly mistake at work, but a co-worker erroneously thinks he made the error. You:
3. You’re standing at a crosswalk when a feeble elderly woman approaches. You:
4. Two hours into a 6-hr flight, a young child has been wailing nonstop. You:
5. Your best friend, an only child, desperately needs a kidney transplant and you’re a match. You:
6. Your significant other catches you ogling a hot passerby. You:
7. After a one-night stand, you:
8. Your good friend’s lover makes a pass at you. You:
9. You’ve been standing in line at the DMV for an hour. Just when you’re up next, a person in a wheelchair gets in line behind you. You:
10. Your sister’s wedding is scheduled the same day as your nonrefundable U2 concert. You:
Answer Key:
Are You An Asshole? Read More »
Dear Unnamed Advice Columnist:
I am a 65-year-old retiree who lives alone. My 30-year-old unemployed daughter moved back home home a year ago. She pays no rent, never helps me keep up the house, and most days she just sits on the couch all day watching reality TV. On top of that, she keeps her room very messy; it’s like living with her 15-year-old self all over again! When I suggest she clean up after herself or ask about her future plans, she says I’m “being mean” and “harassing” her. She does suffer from anxiety, so I try to avoid confronting her, but I’m afraid she’ll be living here for the rest of my life. — Feeling Trapped
Dear Dumb-ass:
How dare you even consider asking your messy, freeloading adult child to get off the couch and get her life together. She has anxiety after all and everyone knows that absolves the sufferer from all responsibility in life. By taking in, financially supporting and insisting your adult child to be “neat,” you are further victimizing her. Such an abusive parenting style combined with the shameless flaunting of your easy “retirement” lifestyle would send any adult child spiraling. Let me spell it out for you: Her current struggles are ALL YOUR FAULT! If you have any regard for your wounded daughter you will cheerfully continue to pick up behind her and immediately return to the work force so you can afford to support her indefinitely, even if that means taking a “low-level” job (I hear Amazon is a great place to work). This is the LEAST you could do, because you obviously did a terrible job preparing her for the real world!
P.S. If you gleaned heavy sarcasm in my response, maybe it will inspire you to end your maternal martyrdom and send your offending offspring packing. Give her a timeline to move out and hold her to it!
Dear Unnamed Advice Columnist:
My son is engaged to a lovely girl whom I love and already consider to be family. My problem is that whenever she writes us a card, she signs it “best” or “sincerely.” I am a little hurt that she doesn’t feel close enough to us to sign “love,” which I always do with close friends and family. Is there a tactful way of letting her know I would like to be more than a business associate? — Future Mother-in-Law
Dear Dumb-ass:
The “tactful” way to accomplish this is to muster all your strength to pull your head out of your ass. Your situation is a perfect example of what happens when life is too easy. Some people have real problems: They’re broke, their kids are drug addicts, they have gout. Others despise their daughters-in-law with good reason. But you like yours and she treats your son well, but you’re complaining about how she signs letters? Clearly the most stress you’ve experienced in life was having too few balloons at your 8th birthday party. And your gift of clairvoyance is amazing—since you know the reason she signs her cards with “best” is because she doesn’t feel close to you. You’re right to call out her selfish slight. I’m sure every action this horrid girl takes in life is in direct response to her feelings toward YOU. Your only recourse is to demand that your son immediately dump this uncaring woman and take up with one who only signs her cards with “love.” If he refuses, cut him out of your life forever, because no one should have to compromise their principles, however absurd.
P.S. GET A LIFE! Please.
Dear Unnamed Advice Columnist:
After graduating college, my best friend and I got an apartment together. Everything has worked out well except on a few occasions I caught him wearing my clothes, and a few times he even wore my boxer shorts! When I asked why he was wearing my underwear, he said he was too busy to do laundry. I don’t like confrontation. How can I get him to stop wearing my clothes without confronting him?—Community Drawers
Dear Dumb-ass:
By no means should you confront your underwear-stealing roomie. Obviously you invited this situation by advertising your freshly laundered undergarments. Who does that? And what’s with all the judgment? Who’s to say it’s “weird” simply because he apparently doesn’t mind resting his balls where another man’s balls have been? Clearly you’re the one with boundary issues. This man has graciously agreed to share expenses and personal living space, and you show your gratitude by complaining about the sporadic borrowing of undies? I suggest you rethink your priorities, and perhaps a visit to a qualified therapist would be in order as your behavior suggests you’re not secure in your manhood. It truly makes me weep for the future, because if two men can’t share a pair of boxers, what can they share?
P.S. Grow a pair! “Man up” and tell your roomie to keep his balls off your boxers!
Fla. man dresses as Grim Reaper to warn beachgoers about Corona safety. Since May 1 lawyer Daniel Uhlfelder has been on a “Grim Reaper Tour,” traveling to Florida beaches dressed as the angel of death to warn people about the dangers of not social distancing. Noble cause, but I’m guessing Daniel doesn’t have much lawyering to do these days if he has the time to embark on such a tour. Or maybe he’s looking for clients?
Wash. State man arrested while teaching dog to drive. A Washington man arrested after a high-speed car chase had an excuse I’m positive the police never heard before: he was teaching his dog how to drive! There’s some evidence to back up his story as the pit bull was sitting in the driver’s seat when he was pulled over. I’m just wondering whether they gave the pooch a ticket or a dog biscuit?
Elon Musk names child algebra equation. Tech entrepreneur and perennial weirdo Elon Musk revealed the name of his newborn child: X Æ A-12. If you thought you were reading an algebra equation you are not alone. Musk’s baby momma, Canadian musician Grimes (is it me or does her name sound like a Disney movie villain?) explained in an Instagram post that “X” stands for the “unknown variable” while Æ is the Elven (yes, “ELVEN”!) spelling of AI, which is shorthand for artificial intelligence. Alrighty then. However, the proud (drunk?) parents may be violating California rules, which require names be comprised only of the English language’s 26 alphabetical characters. The proud parents reportedly are consulting with Dumbledore for a possible court challenge to those rules.
The following passage is excerpted from the article “Relax, It’s Just a Virus,” by Dr. Napoleon Carnegie, Ph.D. Reprinted with permission.
These days, everyone’s super uptight about COVID-19. Perhaps I can provide some needed reassurance by telling you to relax! It’s really not that bad.
And even if it is, so what? Look at it like this: No matter what course this dreadful virus takes, will it really matter that much a hundred years from now?
I really mean that. A technique I often employ that never fails to raise my spirits in the wake of impending disaster is to close my eyes, take a deep breath and repeat several times: “For every cloud, there’s a silver lining.” This technique will relax your mind so you can clearly see the inherent positives in any deadly pandemic.
You may be skeptical. Rest assured, I can PROVE there’s a fun outcome to be had no matter how devastating the tragedy. I’ll even go so far as to say history may eventually view this “pandemic” as beneficial to mankind. How? I’m glad you asked!
Below I’ve compiled a list of historical “disasters” followed by explanations of how quirky events that sprung from them eventually outweighed, in terms of societal benefits, the utter devastation reaped upon their hapless victims.
So the next time your kid balks at wearing a helmet to go riding, surprise the little chuff with the lighthearted fact that millions of people died in bringing forth a benefit he now takes for granted!
It is, of course, too soon (let’s at least wait until the total death count is tallied) to begin cataloguing the wonderful and surprising benefits that surely will arise from this terrifying plague. But when the dust has settled, resist the urge to focus on death and destruction. Why not instead revel in the quirky and pleasant side effects sure to arise from the pestilence?
Some of life’s biggest disappointments can lead to future triumphs (who would have guessed the great Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team?)
My advice on getting through this pandemic? Relax. And in the future, when something bad happens, stop and ask yourself: Is this really all bad?
In the grand scheme of things, I predict Corona will be a minor footnote in a wide history of catastrophes. So why fret over it, especially when the next major existential crisis may already be at our doorsteps (giant Asian murder hornets, anyone?)
Dr. Napoleon Carnegie is an award-winning author and motivational speaker. He received his Ph.D. from Harvard University in interpersonal phycho-ology. He also is a frequent contributor to O magazine and has appeared on Ellen and the Dr. Oz Show.
Love in the Time of Corona Read More »
I feel cheated. I wanted my inaugural blog post to be fanciful—a frolicking romp about my charmed life as a writer and comedian. (For those who are unaware, every writer’s life is charmed, just ask Ernest Hemingway.)
But as carefree as most writers’ lives are, it’s nothing compared to the whimsical lives of undiscovered stand-up comedians—now there’s a charmed existence!
Then Corona came along and ruined it. All stand-up performance ground to a standstill, and so instead of recounting for your delight the latest exploits of my charmed comedian lifestyle, I’m struggling to come up with a topic for my first post.
I DID NOT want to talk about the Corona virus; right now everything in the news is Corona-related. (And I’ll never refer to the virus by it’s proper name. It’s my way of disrespecting the virus—I disapprove of it and I want it to know that!)
But in the interest of authenticity, how could my virgin post ignore the topic that’s currently dominating everyone’s lives? So I compromised. My first post shall make mention of the ignoble invader but will not focus on the virus itself (Even more disrespect, Corona!)
So, I’ll keep things light by recounting how I’ve been passing the time during the lamentable lockdown:
Me: “I really want to unclutter the cabinets right now, but I have a splitting headache. Best to lie down for a bit and come back to it when I’m feeling better.”
Me: “That sounds fair.”
Me (lying down): “Since I’m just lying here, I may as well turn on ‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ because it would be a waste of time to just lie here and do nothing.”
Me: “Good thinking! You’re so practical!”
That was one week into the quarantine. As of today, cabinets still cluttered. (Told you I’m good.)
Lockdown “Vacation” Read More »