Are You An Asshole?

The following quiz will help you determine your asshole status. Consider it a public service. If you had a booger in your nose, wouldn’t you want to know? Some assholes don’t realize they’re assholes. If you fall into this category, this will be an eye-opener (you’ll thank me later).

Guide: a = 1 point b = 2 points c = 3 points d = 4 points

1. You borrowed money from your cousin months ago. Now, she’s asked to borrow money, but you really want to buy the dope new Air Jordans. You:

• a) Lend her the money, believing kindness deserves kindness.
• b) Lend her the money but resent the bitch for making you miss out on the sneakers.
• c) Call her and say “I’d lend it to you in a heartbeat if I had it,” while on your way to Foot Locker.
• d) Flat out refuse her, reciting Ben Franklin’s mantra: “Never a borrower or a lender be!”

2. You make a costly mistake at work, but a co-worker erroneously thinks he made the error. You:

• a) Fess up to the mistake because it’s the right thing to do.
• b) Deny any responsibility but offer to help fix “his” mistake.
• c) Keep your mouth shut, figuring things like this even out in the long run.
• d) Call him a dumb-ass screw-up and ask how he got his job to begin with.

3. You’re standing at a crosswalk when a feeble elderly woman approaches. You:

• a) Help her cross the street.
• b) Help her across but hold your breath cause you hate the smell of Bengay.
• c) Briefly consider snatching her purse.
• d) Let the old hag navigate her own way across; after all, her generation gave us this F’d up world!

4. Two hours into a 6-hr flight, a young child has been wailing nonstop. You:

• a) Ask the parents if you can give the child some candy.
• b) Put on headphones to drown out the little brat.
• c) Yell over to the parents, “Control your demon child!”
• d) Tell the flight attendant that the family’s last name is “Bin Laden.”

5. Your best friend, an only child, desperately needs a kidney transplant and you’re a match. You:

• a) Gladly offer up your kidney because it’s a matter of life and death.
• b) Wait until the last possible moment to see if another donor can be found.
• c) Change your phone number and move out of state.
• d) Charge your friend for your kidney.

6. Your significant other catches you ogling a hot passerby. You:

• a) Apologize and say, “Babe, you know I’ve only got eyes for you!”
• b) Lie through your teeth, saying, “Honey, I was trying to figure out if I went to high school with them.”
• c) Frown at your sweetie and say, “What? No harm in looking.”
• d) Continue to ogle the hottie, saying, “Now, that’s a hot piece of ass! If we weren’t together, I’d totally hop that bunny!”

7. After a one-night stand, you:

• a) Spoon him/her.
• b) Quietly slip out while they’re sleeping and leave money on the nightstand.
• c) Quietly slip out while they’re sleeping and TAKE money from the nightstand.
• d) Leave a touching note that says, “Had a great time. Did I mention I have chlamydia?”

8. Your good friend’s lover makes a pass at you. You:

• a) Ignore it, pretending you don’t notice what they’re doing.
• b) Flirt back, never intending to act on it.
• c) Immediately inform your friend that they’re dating a skank.
• d) Bang your friend’s lover because sharing is caring!

9. You’ve been standing in line at the DMV for an hour. Just when you’re up next, a person in a wheelchair gets in line behind you. You:

• a) Allow the disabled person to take your spot.
• b) Stay put because that’s how you’d treat anybody, and disabled people just want equal treatment.
• c) Stay put, mumbling under your breath that disabled people get all the good parking spaces.
• d) Lean over and say, “You’re so lucky! I’d kill to be able to sit down right now!”

10. Your sister’s wedding is scheduled the same day as your nonrefundable U2 concert. You:

• a) Attend the wedding. Of course you wouldn’t miss her special day!
• b) Begrudgingly attend the wedding, grateful you at least got a decent amount scalping the tickets.
• c) Go to the concert but get your sis Bono’s autograph as a wedding gift.
• d) Skip the wedding but leave a polite note saying, “Sorry, sis. I’ll be sure to attend your next one!”

Answer Key:

• 10 – 15 points: You’re not an asshole. You are kind, considerate and loving, which of course means you’ll live unhappily and die young.
• 16 – 24 points: You’re not the nicest person, but you’re no asshole, either. Consider going to church more and reading “I’m Ok, You’re Ok.”
• 25 – 30 points: You have selfish, inconsiderate qualities but you’re not irredeemable. Careful, though. You’re merely one step below asshole-dom.
• 31 – 40 points: You, sir (or madam), are an asshole. Top of the line, 100%. You’re such an asshole that donkeys have your framed photo on their walls.