Lockdown “Vacation”

I feel cheated. I wanted my inaugural blog post to be fanciful—a frolicking romp about my charmed life as a writer and comedian. (For those who are unaware, every writer’s life is charmed, just ask Ernest Hemingway.)

But as carefree as most writers’ lives are, it’s nothing compared to the whimsical lives of undiscovered stand-up comedians—now there’s a charmed existence!

Then Corona came along and ruined it. All stand-up performance ground to a standstill, and so instead of recounting for your delight the latest exploits of my charmed comedian lifestyle, I’m struggling to come up with a topic for my first post.

I DID NOT want to talk about the Corona virus; right now everything in the news is Corona-related. (And I’ll never refer to the virus by it’s proper name. It’s my way of disrespecting the virus—I disapprove of it and I want it to know that!)

But in the interest of authenticity, how could my virgin post ignore the topic that’s currently dominating everyone’s lives? So I compromised. My first post shall make mention of the ignoble invader but will not focus on the virus itself (Even more disrespect, Corona!)

So, I’ll keep things light by recounting how I’ve been passing the time during the lamentable lockdown:

• Passive-aggressively cursing my downstairs-apartment neighbors. They BBQ and play music loudly in the patio below my window (looks like they’re having so much fun, and the food looks delicious. Why don’t they invite me? Bastards).
• Drinking til I pass out. My stash of hard liquor ran out a month after state stores closed, so I’ve been subsisting on wine because it’s readily accessible at supermarkets. But after a week of drinking only wine, I developed an overpowering urge to binge-watch episodes of “Sex And the City.” I’m not too worried, though. I’m confident it will pass once this Corona business blows over.
• Pondering where my life went wrong. What happened to my grand hopes, dreams and plans? I was supposed to be rich, married and secretly supporting several mistresses by this point in my life. Where did it all go wrong?
• Resuming a Tony Robbins book where I left off (page 8). I read a few more pages, became inspired and vowed to take charge of my life by finally going after my broken dreams! Just as soon as the pandemic ends. (If it ever ends)!
• Thinking about all the projects I said I’d get to if only I had the time. Now that I have the time, I think of excuses not to do them (I’m really good at this. You might fashion me the “not tonight, I have a headache” guru of excuses). Here’s one of my favorites, as explained by myself, to myself:

Me: “I really want to unclutter the cabinets right now, but I have a splitting headache. Best to lie down for a bit and come back to it when I’m feeling better.”

Me: “That sounds fair.”

Me (lying down): “Since I’m just lying here, I may as well turn on ‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ because it would be a waste of time to just lie here and do nothing.”

Me: “Good thinking! You’re so practical!”

That was one week into the quarantine. As of today, cabinets still cluttered. (Told you I’m good.)